ROLLER DERBY: Slow Second-Half Start Stunts Portland's Upset Hopes

The skaters weren't this blurry in person.

This past Saturday night, the Men’s Roller Derby Association’s #5-ranked Puget Sound Outcast Derby traveled to take on Portland Men’s Roller Derby’s #7-ranked Bridgetown Menace. Puget Sound came into the bout undefeated this season with wins over #14 Deep Valley and unranked Southern Discomfort at the Big O. Portland was coming off a successful Spring Roll beating #6 Mass Maelstrom and #9 Race City before losing to #1 Your Mom.

Bridgetown had never come within 100 points of beating Puget Sound’s travel team. That all changed Saturday night. Aside from a horrific start to the second half, Bridgetown outplayed Puget Sound. But, Puget Sound’s 99-0 run coming out of the locker room at the half proved insurmountable in their 242-199 victory.

Puget Sound collected lead jammer on the first five jams to jump out to a 25-9 lead. Scott Slamilton, who led all jammers with 85 points, scored fifteen of those when Bridgetown jammer Shreddy Mercury picked up a back block. Bridgetown took the lead two jams later when Puget Sound jammer Speed Dealer committed a cut allowing Elysium to score a nineteen-point power jam.

After picking up lead jammer on the next four jams, Puget Sound was up again 47-35 midway through the half. But, the lead didn’t last long thanks to four straight jams in the box for Puget Sound’s jammers. With 4:30 left in the first half, Bridgetown had their largest lead of the bout at 88-63. It didn’t last long. Despite strong power jam-killing defense by Bridgetown, jammers Quadzilla and Scott Slamilton jammed their way to a 94-92 Puget Sound halftime lead.

Here Bridgetown (in purple) does something important while Puget Sound (in yellow) does something equally important. By the way, Urinal Gum is in need of a new photographer.

Miscues, sloppy play, and penalty trouble marred the start of the second half for Bridgetown. On the first jam, strong Puget Sound blocking kept Bridgetown’s Elysium from completing his initial pass and allowed Puget Sound’s jammer Dilly Dally to rack up 25 points. As the jam was ending, an exhausted Elysium cut two of his own skaters and was sent to the box. When Elysium was released from the box on the following jam, he passed the star to Bangers N Stache. Bangers kept getting knocked out and drawn back while he tried to put on the star pantie. He eventually put the pantie on while he was out of bounds and was whistled for an illegal procedure. This allowed Puget Sound’s Scott Slamilton to score a second-straight 25-point jam.

Bangers N Stache began the third jam of the half still in the box. This allowed Speed Dealer to score a 20-0 jam. All told, Puget Sound earned lead on all of the first seven jams of the second half to take a commanding 193-92 lead with 18:30 left in the bout. Puget Sound used more Bridgetown penalty trouble to extend their lead to a game high 234-109 with thirteen minutes left. Puget Sound’s jammer Dilly Dally tallied a 25-0 power jam in there to add to his total of 80 for the game.

It was only then that things began to click again for Bridgetown. In the final thirteen minutes, Bridgetown went on a 90-8 tear picking up lead jammer nine times to Puget Sound’s one. Included in that streak was a 20-0 final power jam by Shreddy Mercury, who led Bridgetown with 80 points. But, it was not enough. Puget Sound skated away with another victory over Bridgetown, 242-199.

Puget Sound’s next sanctioned play will be at the Mohawk Valley Cup August 17th in New York. Bridgetown travels down to Ukiah, Cali. next to play Deep Valley and Drive-By City on August 24th.

Jammer Stats:

Puget Sound (Lead – Total – In Box – Points) 
Scott Slamilton (5 – 10 – 5 – 85)
Dilly Dally (4 – 10 – 3 – 80)
Cory Pain (4 – 7 – 1 – 29)
Speed Dealer (4 – 8 – 2 – 24)
Quadzilla (2 – 4 – 0 – 20)
Stan DaSide (1 – 1 – 0 – 4)
Chuck Hendrick (0 – 1 – 0 – 0)

Bridgetown Menace (Lead – Total – In Box – Points)
Shreddy Mercury (7 – 14 – 5 – 80)
Bangers N Stache (3 – 7 – 3 – 55)
Elysium (5 – 12 – 4 – 42)
Bruce Payne (2 – 7 – 0 – 20)
Demolition Man (1 – 1 – 0 – 2)
Han Cholo (0 – 1 – 0 – 0)

This recap is brought to you by lawn chairs. I wish I had one. It really would have been better than sitting on the floor like a moron. But, I never think ahead.

A Visit to the Telephone Pioneer Museum

The kid is out of school, so it is my parental duty to make sure he doesn't rot his brains away on YouTube videos and various toys he leaves on the floor to fuck-up my feet. I originally planned to take him to a robotics lab up in Corvallis, but that trip was delayed. Then, we were going to play disc golf, but it rained. And, the strip clubs are starting to catch wise to my ruse of him being my "seeing eye kid." Consequently, we ended up going to the Telephone Pioneer Museum in downtown Eugene.

The Telephone Pioneer Museum is located at 975 Oak St. on the ground floor of a building that has served as home for a revolving door of phone companies. Initially, it was one of the Bell companies, then it became Qwest. Now, it is home to CenturyLink. The museum is open for the slimmest of hours (Thursdays 10am to 2pm) pretty much assuring no one will ever visit. During the 45 minutes we were there, there were no other patrons.

As the old lady (I'm just going to assume her name is Gladys) told me between her solitaire play and bites of her homemade sandwich, the museum pretty much functions as a disposal for obsolete equipment. They get a couple donations here and there, but most of the exhibits came from "upstairs."

There are operator boards, phone booths, examples of the evolution of the phone, line testers, diagnostic devices, lineman belts and hooks, and ZERO cellular telephones, unless you count the old timey bag phone. Gladys told me that those used to be quite the status symbol.

This IS not an operator's board. Gladys will have you know this was for diagnostic testing of the lines, and you are welcome to finger the knobs.

Gladys was very nice and helpful, but she seemed to assume we had no knowledge of anything prior to the year 2000. Perhaps, it’s how they get people to volunteer to run the museum: they think they are preserving a time in history when people would get pissed off when they had to dial a 9 on the rotary. Keeping the museum open is an important role: people must remember things such as pay phones (which still exist despite what old codgers say). Gladys said 37 college students piled into one of the phone booths on display, but I got her to admit it was not true.

A plus at the Telephone Pioneer Museum is that you absolutely, positively can touch everything. I thought Gladys was being a saucy old girl, ‘til the kid started messing around with stuff, and I realized I had free reign. There were tools everywhere that could be jabbed into machines to create spectacular messes. The kid had a blast! From the pristine shape the exhibits were in, others clearly saw this as a polite invitation to explore and not a challenge to decimate.

My favorite parts were the replicas of the very first phone and receiver used by Alexander Graham Bell and that one guy Bell wanted to come here and see him. It was also interesting looking at really old phone books with phone numbers that didn’t make any sense.

I strongly recommend the Telephone Pioneer Museum to really old people and to kids. The old people will love to go on for hours about how the young people don’t know anything about the past because we didn’t live through it, and there is no possible way to encapsulate prior history on the internet. Kids will love to smash stuff and ask Gladys stupid questions. Both are free between 10 and 2 on Thursdays when useful people are working and the unemployed are sleeping.

Today's blog post is brought to you by the iPhone 4, which provided you with the picture above and outperformed every one of those damn phones in the museum. Seriously, none of the phones they had could take a picture. What's the point?

Playskool: My First Vlog

Since it is becoming increasingly clear people prefer to watch things rather than read them, I am going to post the occasional vlog (short for "vagina monologue"). I'm kind of new to the vlog scene, so please be sure to mock me mercilessly while you still can. After all, destructive criticism is the most sincere form of criticism.

Anyway, to kick things off, I (that is my mug you're seeing) am reading a passage from Urinal Gum #9. I only recently learned how to read, so I make a few mistakes. I'm hoping down the road I'll figure out how to edit. I don't do anything magical with my face during this, so feel free to just listen and enjoy the Michigan accent.

Today's vlog is brought to you by the Neti pot. I'm gonna let you in on a little ancient secret: For millions of years yogis have used the Neti pot to help them through Eugene's pollen-packed summers. In fact, my use of the Neti pot made it possible for me to go without a Kleenex for five full minutes. This allowed me to create the fine piece of art show above. I recommend the snot out of Neti pots:

Top Ten Tuesday: Annoying Things People Post on Facebook

On the West Coast, it is fashionable to be late to everything. People just don't seem to understand how time works. Consequently, when I make appointments with people, I inevitably end up waiting for them, since my Midwest upbringing necessitates that I be at least fifteen minutes early every time. Of course, I never remember to bring a book to read while waiting. Instead, I resort to pressing the happy buttons of my iPhone to view Facebook and kill time. Within seconds, I come across examples of the following and vow to always have a book on me in the future.

Here are the ten most annoying things people post on Facebook. 

10. Near-nude self portraits.

Thank Flying Spaghetti Monster Facebook doesn't allow nudity. Otherwise, we'd have to see way too much of our "Friends." Nonetheless, whether they are attention whores or some poor fat slob who just lost two pounds and wants to flaunt it, many people don't seem to have a filter. In a lot of cases, these pictures are the equivalent of the old-fashioned "do you notice anything different about me?" Only, now there is less clothing, and you don't have to point out that you don't in fact notice anything different.

9. Food pictures.

Great work. You've found a way to get fatter. Want a cookie?

I am well aware that food is required to stay alive, and it is one of the human races' most basic needs. But, you get the most out of food if you eat it, not by posting pictures of it on Facebook. It's really a form of bragging. "Hey, look at this tasty filet mignon I have! Enjoy your tasteless sub there, Jared!" Food pictures are also used by fat people to show they really do just have a thyroid problem: "Here's this delicious and nutritious quinoa salad I made. I don't know why I'm fat." Of course, they don't show you the pound of bacon they use to wash it down.

8. The Most Interesting Man in the World Meme.

"I don't always ____ , but when I do, I ______________." That's the formula for some people's idea of humor. It is particularly disgusting because it is based off of someone trying to sell something, and it is now officially uninteresting. 

7. Pictures of Purchases.

Along with pictures of food and near-nude pictures, this is commonly used for bragging purposes. To me, though, all I see is a consumer whore: "Look at what I was able to buy!" Kind of falling within this same category are the posts about what people want to buy. Maybe if you post that you want a Lamborghini a certain number of times, some CEO will shoot one out of his ass for you.

6. Facebook activism.

For when you care enough to do the very least. Whether it's sharing an article about how bad global warming is (hint: posting about anything on the internet is worse for the environment than doing nothing) or how we need to stop Obama from taking ours guns, Facebook activists typically do little for their cause. Here's how it works: Jane sees a video or reads an article that leads her to action. Since she is already on Facebook, she posts about it. Thinking that she's done something to help the cause, she can now relax because she's fought the good fight: no need for further action.

5. Hoaxes.

Here's a link you should bookmark and visit before sharing anything that riles you up. It's Snopes. They're pretty good at getting to the bottom of scams and hoaxes, so you don't end up with a jackass like me mocking you. The hoaxes tend to work best on issues that stir people's emotions. When emotions are high, the brain tends to cast off logic in favor of heuristics.

5.a. Chain Facebook Posts - These are hoaxes for even dumber people. They usually play on the religious and are along the lines of "Share this if you are a true believer of Jesus Christ. Do not deny Him like Peter." Pro-tip: God doesn't really care what you share on Facebook.

4. If I get One Million "Likes"...

These also tend to fall into the hoax category though not always. Mostly, it's more attention whoring. These annoying posts are typically images of someone holding a sign that says, "If I get One Million "Likes," my friend's wife will blow me" or something to that effect. People actually "Like" and share this stuff!

3. Posts about television shows.

Game of Thrones, Arrested Development, Breaking Bad, Walking Dead, these are just recent examples of shows that clog the News Feed. I got a pro-tip for you folks. It is really easy to find on-line forums for people who share your fascination for a particular show. Yes, there are more resources out there besides Facebook. I recommend doing a Something search for these forums. Because, the rest of us, your Facebook "friends," all just kind of feel sorry for you.

2. Vaguebooking.

I only hate this portmantombination slightly less than I hate the practice. Due to various life circumstances, I am friends with a fair amount of teenage girls on Facebook. "Vaguebooking" is a way of life for them. If they are slightly upset about something, one can expect to see a thinly-veiled post trying to draw comments or "Likes" or to just call a bitch out. Stuff like, "U think ur hot shit but u rly aint shit!!!! U wanna see the real bitch look in da meer!!!!" For us adults, it's just a friendly reminder of how batshiat crazy teenagers are.

1. Pictures with Uncreative Quasi-Motivational Words.

And, ignore the rude little flower trying to interrupt my message.

Looking at my News Feed, it appears I am "friends" with many rail yards-worth of emotional train wrecks. I believe they have all subscribed to the Suicide Prevention Slogan-of-the-Day Club because I see way too many somewhat motivational slogan images. I'm not quite sure why the words can't just stand on their own. Maybe as a society, we've nurtured such a disdain for reading that we now need to put the words on an image if we hope to ever have anyone read them. I don't know. I just know that if I see an image that is predominately covered in words, there's nothing interesting to be gleaned from it.

Well, now that you know how inane your Facebook posts are, hopefully you will step up your game and make your friends' News Feeds more interesting.

And, as always, please let me know what you find annoying about Facebook users below. I'll be sure to pass your gripes along to the proper authorities.

Book Review: "The Shack"

Editor's Note: Every Thursday, I plan on reviewing a work of art in order to force some culture into you dolts. The art may take the form of a book, a movie, an album, or a restaurant. If there is something you would like me to review, please send it my way, and I will gladly mock it for a large fee.

 

Every once in a while, a book comes along that completely changes your views of the world. The Shack is one of those books. When I was in my teens, my grandpa gave me a Bible. I read the thing thinking it would be boring, like the few times I went to church. But, it turned out to be fascinating with the detailed talk of sex, menstruation, and carpentry. It turned me Christian. And, I remained Christian for about a decade, then I read The Da Vinci Code and learned that not everything in the Bible was actually true. Only the stuff in The Da Vinci Code was actually true. Now, I know The Da Vinci Code lied, and only The Shack is the true immutable word of God.

The Plot

The Shack is a true story about Mack Phillips's trials and tribulations as he deals with his daughter's death and meeting God. The author is friends with Mack in real life and makes appearances in the book as "Gun-Crazy Willie." Mack and his family go camping in Northeast Oregon. While there, two of his older kids start fucking around and before they know it, they're drowning in a lake. Mack goes to save them leaving his youngest daughter Missy alone for any pedophile in the middle of the woods to snatch her up. And, a pedophiliac serial killer in the middle of the woods does just that. They never find the body, but they're pretty sure she was murdered in some derelict cabin, or small house, because they find her blood there.

Anyway, each member of Mack's family thinks they're at fault for Missy's death. They get all depressed and stop getting along. One day, Mack hits his head and gets a note from God telling him to visit the isolated dwelling where Missy's body was found. So, he goes there, and come to find out, the lodging is actually where God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost live. Mack discovers that God is really an indecisive tranny, who can't choose between being a big black woman or a dude. Jesus is actually a lot whiter than his Middle Eastern heritage would suggest. And, the Holy Ghost is some Chinese lady. They all tell Mack about the secrets of the universe, and they make him forgive the guy who killed his daughter.

When Mack gets bored with hanging out with God, he leaves the shanty and is immediately hit by a drunk driver. When he comes to, he's able to miraculously show the authorities where his daughter's remains are hidden, which helps them capture the "Little Ladykiller." Then, they all live happily ever after.

My Thoughts on The Shack

Going into this book as an atheist, I had my reservations. What could anyone tell me? I already know there is no God, and I hate Him. But, when I realized I was reading a true story with irrefutable proof that God exists (if God doesn't exist, how did Mack lead the police to his daughter's body?); it finally removed the wool from over my eyes to help me recognize thine Shepherd.

The Shack provides explanations for why God does terrible things. I didn't really understand God's reasoning, but Mack did, and Mack's fucking daughter was killed. So, if he is able to understand it, then that's good enough for me. I don't even have a daughter!

One might read the book and think, "Mack and the author are lying to us! Mack did not meet God!" But, the description are so vivid that there is no possible way anyone could have made it up. Plus, Jesus talks in parables just like in the Bible. Who would talk in parables if they weren't Jesus?

My Recommendation

I strongly recommend The Shack to all atheists, Jews, cyclists, and readers. This is the shot in the arm everyone's faith could use. It should come right after Revelations in the Bible and should be renamed "Mack" because The Shack doesn't really seem like a fitting name.

Lawyers and Doctors Must Go to School Forever. Why Not Politicians?

The Problem: Politicians Are Stupid and Corrupt

Most politicians are required to weigh in on a variety of topics they know nothing about. And, between campaigning, listening to their constituents, sexual indiscretions, covering up those sexual indiscretions, and appeasing their largest financial backers; they don't really have time to study all angles of an issue. This leads to even our most devoted and well-meaning elected officials making uninformed decisions. All of this assumes the politician has his heart in the right place and wants to do what is best for his citizenry. This is rarely the case.

Money controls the government. Cash is considered free speech, so those with money have more of a voice than the average thrift store shopper. Anyone running for office in the United States needs two things: money and a hunger for power. Neither of these are good leadership qualities. You can see the problems the rich and power hungry are causing in Washington DC. You can see these problems by looking out your window. The all-mighty dollar trumps citizen's health and the environment in importance. There's got to be a better way.

The Solution: PhD in Public Service

For every other high-paying specialized job, a certain level of education is required. Lawyers have to complete seven or eight years of higher education. It's even more for medical doctors. Yet, to make decisions for your city, state, or even the entire country; there are no education requirements. The only requirements seem to be, as stated above, money and a hunger for power (and perhaps attaining a specific age and citizenship.)

I propose we hold lawmakers to the same standards we expect from those who interpret the laws. We need Schools of Public Service.

How It Works: The First Draft of an Idea

Like with other degrees, the amount of schooling required should correlate with the level of the political office sought. In other words, a city/county elected position would require a Bachelor's Degree in Public Service. Positions within the state government might require a Master's Degree. And, to work in Washington DC, nothing less than a Public Service PhD will do.

The courses of study will be like Civics/Government classes on steroids. Typical liberal arts courses will also be required, but they will have a focus on public service. Some preliminary thoughts on class requirements:

• Hard science courses: including reading and interpreting peer-reviewed journal articles
• Sociology
• History
• US Foreign Policy
• Bill Crafting
• Interacting with and Understanding Constituents
• Theory of Law
• Conflict Resolution
• Economics
• Warfare and Killing
• Ethics
• Required volunteer hours
• Service project
• Internship

Paying for this much schooling will guarantee the future office holder isn't rich anytime soon. If the candidate is driven by a hunger for power, their hunger will be directed in a more socially acceptable way as they complete these classes geared toward social responsibility. And, ignorance will be less prevalent once we can assure these politicians have received the right education.

Problems with the Solution

The above is all well and good, but how do we keep politicians out of the pockets of corporations and other wealthy donors?
The simple solution is to outlaw it. Campaign contributions will be split evenly from public funding.

But, what about the two-party system? 
Outlaw it. I believe we should outlaw any third-party-funded (this includes political parties, corporations, and individuals) campaigning for specific candidates. Candidates need to stand on their own and not with the Rs or Ds following their names.

But, aren't a lot of politicians given cushy executive jobs as a reward for their service to various businesses while in office?
Outlaw it. Once a politician has served, he may not hold a position in a company that directly benefited from his time in office.

But, doesn't this rule out the common man, the Joe Nobody from running for office?
Yes, but that's no different from what we currently have. Instead of valuing money and power, the new politicians will presumably value serving their constituents.

This still doesn't change the education level of the average voter. Aren't voters still going to make poor decisions?
Yes. I have a lot of possible solutions for this, but it is beyond the scope of this article. I will be sure to write about this soon enough.

What Other Problems Do You See with the Above?

Don't like my solution? Think it's unrealistic? Please let me know what you think would improve upon it in the comments below.

Today's post is brought to you by Howard Zinn's "A People's History of the United States," which should be required reading for all politicians:

Top Ten Tuesday: Best Movies You Haven't Seen

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