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| America uber alles. |
To steal from Wikipedia, social conventions are “a set of agreed,
stipulated, or generally-accepted standards, norms, social norms, or criteria,
often taking the form of a custom.” In other words, it is stuff we do because
everyone else is doing it. These conventions are generally steeped in
tradition. And, often times, they are wasteful, harmful, and just plain stupid.
Below are the ten worst social conventions scientifically ranked based on their
wastefulness, harmfulness, and stupidity.
10. Those Tiny Little Lies We Tell Everyone
These are the canned responses we blurt out many times a day
without thinking. “I’m fine.” “You’re not fat.” “No, I really am interested in
your dream.” Etc. We do this to make interactions go more smoothly. If we aren’t
“fine,” then we need to go into great detail about why we are not. Anorexia is
propagated by our inability to tell people they are fat. We tell everyone from
the obese to the super skinny that they are not fat. It is an obvious lie for
the obese, but those suffering from anorexia cannot tell if it is a lie when
applied to them. This, of course, is not the only factor leading to anorexia,
but our inability to be honest about our bodies certainly does not help.
9. We Must All Dress Nice for This Funeral, Wedding, Bris
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| This is never appropriate attire no matter how comfortable you may be. |
Here, in Eugene, we’ve moved on from this convention. At any
given event, one sees the entire spectrum of casual-to-formal wear, from the
banana hammock (only kind-of kidding) to the three-piece suit. But, elsewhere,
there is the expectation that we honor those who have died, married, or had the
tip of their penis lopped off by wearing incredibly uncomfortable clothing. Let
us dress as comfortably as we’d like, and we won’t rush off after the ceremony.
8. Not Taking the Last Deviled Egg
At any social gathering where food is offered, we see these
sad platters with only one food item left on them. Take it! Don’t let the food
go to waste! There are starving children in Africa! If it helps, psychology
studies show the alpha male is usually the one who takes the last food item on
a tray.
7. Awkward Hand Gestures
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| This hand gesture required zero synchronization with a second person. |
It used to be that the simple hand shake with a firm grip
was the standard. Nowadays, it’s a bit more complicated. There are way too many
variants of hand gestures that require both parties be on the same page to pull
it off. And, both parties are rarely on the same page. We can’t even do the
hand shake right these days. Half the time, some guy squeezes the ends of our
fingers. Maybe that’s an alpha male thing too. Perhaps, we should just stick
with saying “hi” and not touching.
6. False Chivalry
We’re going to focus on holding doors here because that is
where we encounter the most stupidity, but there are other acts of
pseudo-chivalry that just as easily follow this pattern. With door holding, if
there is anyone within fifteen feet of us when we open a door, we are almost
expected to hold it for them. This holds true even when the doorholder has her
hands full and is 87 years old and the physically-capable “holdee” has both
hands free. Half the time, the doorholder is on his phone or otherwise preoccupied,
and he will block the entrance into the building through his “chivalrous” act.
Let’s keep the door holding to situations where it is actually needed.
5. Expected Pleasantries: Thanks Yous, Happy Birthdays, etc.
On one’s birthday, we are expected to say happy birthday. If
someone does something, no matter how small, we say thank you. Both of these
gestures have lost all meaning. We say happy birthday to companies now. We
thank cashiers for selling us things. We do these things because there are guilt
mongers out there who will attempt to make us feel like crap if we don’t engage
in these trivial acts. Avoid these people! And, avoid thanking someone or
wishing them a happy birthday out of obligation! Only do it when truly moved to
do so!
4. “God Bless You”
When someone sneezes, we are expected to acknowledge it.
This is an archaic practice based on superstition. But, let’s humor the “God
bless you” for a moment here. For the sake of argument, let’s imagine there is
a God. There are people working their asses off to help the poor and
needy who are rarely offered a “God bless you” for their work. Why do we give
the fat slob double-fisting Big Macs and contributing nothing to society a
blessing from God for merely sneezing?
3. The Playing of the Star-Spangled Banner before Events
We perform the Star-Spangled Banner before events to promote
nationalism. It’s to beat the drum of America uber alles. It’s to program us to
mindlessly follow the crowd. And, if we don’t stand up and remove our hats for
this ritual, we are vile scum of the earth…and not citizens of a free country
enjoying said freedom.
2. Gift-Giving Events
This is so entrenched in our society that it is unlikely to
go away anytime soon. Around Christmastime or birthdays, we give thoughtless,obligatory gifts to loved ones and acquaintances alike because that’s what we’re
supposed to do. We get stressed out about it. Only a small fraction of the
gifts we get are useful to us. The rest is waste. The wrapping paper is waste. The
mass-produced greeting cards are a waste. If we are truly moved to give a gift
to someone, why not just give it to them regardless of the time of year? If we
can’t think of something to get someone, don’t get them anything. Spend some
time with them instead. We’ve shit on this planet enough: we don’t need to
continue with this insane parade of wastefulness.
1. Tipping
Tips exist to keep employers from having to pay their
workers a living wage. Let’s get rid of tips and increase the pay and benefits
for service workers. Sure, this will lead to increased prices, but it evens
out. “But, what incentive will servers have to provide good service?” They’ll
have the same incentives the rest of us have: taking pride in our work and
wanting to keep our jobs or get promoted. Unfortunately, this is not a practice
that one person can act on alone. Do not
stiff the waiters!
What social conventions annoy you? Please share below.
Hmmmmm.....
ReplyDeleteYou are a brave man.