Letter to the National Security Agency

Why won't they acknowledge our friend Jack Turklesson's letter?

Recently, our friend Jack Turklesson wrote a letter to the National Security Agency. Here is the letter in its entirety (minus taint shots). As of press time, he has yet to hear back from them.

June 18, 2013

National Security Agency

9800 Savage Rd.

Fort Meade, MD 20755

Dear National Security Agency,

I recently learned about your spying program from arrogant people in the Guardian and the Washington Post. These articles stirred some strong emotions in me. Thank you for doing this to protect us from terrorists. Only through keeping a close eye on your own citizens are you able to stop terrorists. By my count, there has only been one successful terrorist attack on US soil since the Tragic Events of September 11^th, 2000. That’s a 10,000% reduction in terrorism. And, even that thing in Boston is allowable because it needed to remind us that terrorism is still a real threat.

Now, the paranoid people out there think you are taking away Fourth Amendment rights. To them, I say: “What does it matter if you have nothing to hide?” To prove I have nothing to hide and to aid the NSA in their spying program, I am giving you the passwords to my email and my social media accounts:

• My AOL email password is Ronald88Reagan.

• My MySpace password is Prodigy5ux.

• My Friendster account is LAWLZbbq2.

• And, you can access my LiveJournal with 4321Password.

In addition to these passwords, I have enclosed naked pictures of myself, including taint shots, to prove I have absolutely nothing to hide.

I feel it is important to explain some things you may have seen while “datamining” my information.

• My use of the phrase “that is the bomb” is not a reference to an explosive device. It is popular vernacular for “I approve of the quality of that.”

• You may have also seen “I’d like to perform a terrorist attack on her!” This is not a reference to wanting to cause terror in anyone. It is just a particularly crude way of saying that a woman’s appearance aroused powerful feelings of lust within me.

•  I may have also said, “Do you want to come over and smoke some marijuana?” This is not an invitation for cannabis use. Drugs are bad and illegal and wrong. I don’t do them. Drugs could ruin one’s ability to write meaningful letters. No, “smoke some marijuana” is code for “eat massive amounts of perfectly legal cheeseburgers.” My wife doesn’t like me eating a lot, so I have to use code when I want friends to come over to binge. I am very fat.

• We use “having a safety meeting” to mean “smoke marijuana.”

• Now, you may have read an email about destroying an abortion clinic. That email was pretty straight forward, but we aborted that before the planning stages. We found out my buddy’s daughter was teen pregnant and needed to visit the clinic. Woops. Either way, it would not be a terrorist attack because none of us are Muslim. We’re Christians. The attack would be “God’s Will.”

I hope the above clears some things up and makes your job easier. If I can ever be of assistance, do not hesitate to contact me (you have my contact info). I’m currently unemployed, so if you need me to fill any jobs for you, please contact me about that as well. As you can see, I already have a strong understanding of how the NSA works. I look forward to hearing from you.

Openly Yours,

Jack Turklesson