Thursday, May 30, 2013

Righter's Bloque

You may be under the impression from my previous post that I would generally refrain from being self-referential in this blog. You may have also assumed I have a bottomless well of ideas begging to burst forth from my brain to splatter all over your screen. I would like to take this opportunity to make it clear that I will not apologize for these assumption mistakes you made. I cannot be held responsible for any impressions, assumptions, expectations, fancies, guesses, or especially presuppositions you conjure from reading what I write.

I tell you this because I currently suffer from what every great writer experiences at some point in their career: writer's block. Writer's block, or raŇ°ytojo blokuoti as the Lithuanians call it, is a disease most common among lazy thinkers and the uninspired. Though nobody knows its etiology, writer's block can be transmitted sexually to men from women or other men but cannot be transmitted to women. It is a disease just like any other, except it goes away pretty quickly and easily without any treatment.

That said, there are treatments:
  • Change your writing environment. Grabbing a pint at the local dive bar may be just the shot in the arm your writing needs, and Ol' Stubby George at the bar there is full of stories you can plunder. 
  • Read inspirational works. Dust off that Dan Brown novel you enjoy or pick up your favorite James Frey. Let  their words cause your fingers to seizure across the keyboard...with harsh criticism for all they represent.
  • Free word association. Write a bunch of random words one at a time on notecards. Then, mix the cards up. Write the first thing that comes to your mind when you look at each card. It is believed that Dickens used the Notecard Method to write A Tale of Two Cities. He saw a notecard with the word "Blue" and BAM! He was off to the races.
  • Do lots of drugs. Bath salts, squeeze, crank, glass, hammer, chainsaw: they're all good for inspiring writing.
  • Commit suicide. Hemingway chose this one. I'm not sure how helpful it was because he didn't really write much after that.
Anyway, after trying none of these treatments, I am still having trouble coming up with writing ideas. Sure, writer's block is common, but it is rare for it to come so early in the launch of a blog. You would think going into launching a blog, the author would have plenty of articles lined up to entertain and woo his audience. And, I can assure you I did have plenty of ideas of how to come up with plans, but I cannot over-stress the importance of writing these things down before you forget them, especially if you are doing lots of drugs in hopes of combating future writer's block!

So, the above said, I would like to apologize for assumption mistakes you may have made due to others in my blogging field leading you on to believe that all bloggers start blogs with lots of ideas for keeping you consistently entertained. All other bloggers lied to you. I'm sorry for your naivete.

Lastly, I would like to blame my sponsors and their absence. If I had sponsors or partners or whatever phrase we may use for them to make it sound like we're not trying to trick you into buying shit you don't need, I would be able to write great things about them.  But, no companies have stepped up with their wallets open to keep my expecting wife nourished and this blog afloat.

Sure, you may be armchair criticizing my tactics: "Brains, this is only your second blog post. What kind of company would want to sponsor this crap?" To you I say: this is the 21st Century, and we are all entitled to whatever we want irrespective of how little effort we put forth. Look at how many "Likes" I get on my Facebook status updates (16). People really care what I have to say. People pay attention to what I do. Therefore, I should just get free money for pasting a couple words together.

That said, I forgive you all. And, I will continue on with this blog despite the writer's block and reader misconceptions. So, if you would like to sponsor me and my wife, who is now eating cake for two; please contact . You can also use that email for any other correspondences. Please do not email me between the hours of 11pm and 11am. I am sleeping at those times and am a VERY light sleeper.

1 comment:

  1. You forgot "Blow". Back to the drawing board for you, Brains.